Roughing it...

The last couple of weeks have been some rough ones!  Mother's Day weekend was just awful for me(emotionally).  For starters, I hadn't realized but that Friday had been 18 years since my grandma passed away.  I was 11 but not a day goes by that I don't miss her or think of her. I couldn't believe it had already been 18 years. It feels like just yesterday.  I still remember the morning of her passing.  My Grandma was truly an Angel on earth. There is no other woman who can compare and even though it has been 18 years it still hurts that she hasn't been here to see all that has gone on in our lives.  That Friday was also Military Spouse Appreciation Day.  Thank goodness for Facebook or I would have never known.  I had talked to Jeromey on the phone on Thursday but heard nothing Friday.  I know it seems silly now, and I know he had no clue what that Friday was, but I know that part of me had been hoping he would get online and notice and say something.  Even though I know he appreciates me, sometimes its nice just to hear it.  I am pretty sure that my other Army wives can agree when I say that it doesn't always FEEL like they appreciate what we are going through.  I understand that Jeromey is going through something I could never do.  He is "surviving" this deployment just as much as I am.  Our situations and struggles are different.  I am sure any complaining would be met with "oh yeah, because you have it so rough being back home".  Yes, I may be home.  I may have family and friends around me.  That doesn't keep me from feeling so out of touch with everyone, or from feeling like I am the only person going through this experience.  Jeromey was trained for what he is going through.  I'm sure no amount of preperation compares to the real thing, but he had some training, some warning.  What did we as spouses get? Not a whole lot!  We kind of just get thrown into this experience and are expected to get through it.  And we will! I know we will. But like I said, sometimes it just feels nice to hear that they realize how much we struggle too.  I tell Jeromey all the time I'm proud of him, and how I could never do what he does.  I was just kind of hoping that on this one day I would have been able to hear those same words back from him.  I don't blame him, or hold any hard feelings.  Heck, he's a man! :)  Don't get me wrong, I am very lucky to have a husband who is wonderful about telling me how much he loves me, that I am a good mom and a good wife.  I know that I may hear those things more than a lot of other wives.  But deployment affects your rational thinking and I was bummed not to hear from him. Saturday we were able to chat for a short time.  It wasn't one of our better chats.  We both seemed to be in bad moods, which probably comes from each of us having a bad day and expecting the other to KNOW this.  Matthew had his First Communion on Saturday. I know we all took plenty of pictures so that Jeromey would be able to see.  Sunday was Mother's Day.  I was so very lucky that Matthew and Hunter's moms shared their boys with me.  We all went to lunch with Jeromey's family.  Then we went to my uncle's house to spend some time with my family and my Dad's mom who was here from Texas.  It was a gorgeous day.  Again, I didn't hear from Jeromey.  At this point, I think anytime I wasn't around people I was crying.  The last couple of days had just been adding up.  I was in a bad mood, I was emotional, and all I wanted to do was talk to my husband.  Monday he was finally online again.  Actually, I was at work and noticed I had a missed call from a number I didn't recognize.  I checked my voicemail and it was Jeromey telling me that he couldn't find his phone card but he was calling using his credit card.  He wasn't able to get it to work so he could call back so he got online.  He asked me to go buy a phone card because he just really wanted to talk to me. I think he was having as rough of a weekend as I was. I left work to buy one and sent him the phone card information online.  He called but it was very short.  I was just happy to hear from him.  I talked to him a couple of other times last week but as of right now I haven't heard from him since Friday when he emailed and called me. Wednesday I went out to dinner and forgot my phone charger.  My phone died. If you've read any of my previous blogs, you know that this is a big deal as I almost NEVER let my phone die and if it does, I have a charger with me so I can plug it in.  The first thing I did when I got home was plug my phone in.  I had a text telling me to call my mom because she was worried.  My phone hadn't even been dead an hour.  I also had a voicemail but I assumed it was my mom who had tried calling.  About a minute after plugging my phone in and turning it back on, Jeromey called!  He had tried calling twice before so I was VERY happy that I hadn't completely missed him.  Had he called when my phone first died, he wouldn't have got a hold of me.  Missing a call from my husband is the worst feeling ever.  It isn't as big of a crisis now as it was, because he always calls more than once. Chances are if I miss it once he will be calling again within a few minutes so then I just sit and stare at my phone until it rings.  This weekend I went to Minnesota for a Yellow Ribbon event.  I think the best part for me was to be able to meet some more of the Army wives, and to talk to a group of women who know EXACTLY what I'm going through.  Sometimes, with all my different emotions and all the crying and ups and downs I start to feel like maybe I'm going crazy.  Hanging out with other Army wives makes me feel normal.  Who knows, maybe we are all crazy?  :)  Some would say we would have to be, to be married to a soldier.  I know that we wouldn't have it any other way.  I was definitely in need of this trip.  I was able to get away from everything, learn some things, and meet some new friends.  We went to the Mall of America.  I had never been before.  It was a good time.  I spoiled myself some.  We got manicures and pedicures, I bought myself an awesome Yellow Ribbon necklace, and we bought some wine and Godiva chocolate covered strawberries for a relaxing evening our last night.  I enjoyed the trip but as always I was ready to be home.  Since I haven't heard from Jeromey since Friday I am really hoping that he calls or emails me today.  I can't imagine how couples managed in the old days with snail mail.  I couldn't imagine waiting by the mailbox everyday to see if I had a letter.  Its worse now, because I check my phone every 2 minutes to see if I have an email or if he's called. "Maybe if I look at my phone now it will ring".  I'm sure you can figure out how many times that has worked.

A lot to take in...

We all had a great Easter weekend.  I did realize I was having a really BAD Monday the day after Easter and I think it had to do with the fact that it was my first real holiday since Jeromey has been over seas.  On Good Friday, we all went to dinner at Applebee's.  It had been a while since we had ALL been together.  Jeromey happened to be online at that time, so I wasn't much for talking during dinner as I was too busy chatting with him on my phone through facebook.  I am always glad to chat with Jeromey and will drop just about anything to do so.  Its a little difficult to do in public sometimes though, because of the different emotions I have while chatting with him.  He may just say something that makes me miss him terribly, or we may be having a serious conversation, and my emotions want to get the better of me. I have become pretty good at keeping them under control (most of the time).  Saturday, I took Matthew and Austin with me to Burlington to attend the send of for Jeromey's original unit the 389th Engineering Company out of Middletown.  I have become close to the other wives in the FRG since last year and these are some of the people who I turn to during this difficult time.  Some of Jeromey's best friends are also in this unit still, so I really wanted to go and show our support for them.  These people are my "Army Family".  It turned out to be a beautiful day, and the attendance was quite large, so the ceremony was moved outside onto the football field.  The National Anthem never sounds the same anymore.  Many times, I get goosebumps when I hear it thinking of what it means and represents.  It is especially touching when in the presence of our troops.  I did get a little emotional, and shed some tears, but it was a not as hard as I had anticipated.  It was mostly due to the fact that all I could think was "Jeromey should be here with THESE men and women instead".  After the ceremony, we had been invited to take the boys to Fun City with some friends.  Jeromey's best friend Stuart also came along, as he had nothing better to do. I hope he had as much fun as the boys did.  I actually became more emotional (internally) being at Fun City without Jeromey than I did at the ceremony.  We have just spent so much time there together that it was strange to be there without him. Sunday we went to church with some friends, and then spent time with family for Easter.  I got to chat with Jeromey a little. He asked what we were eating.  I hate telling him, cause I feel like he's missing out.  I did hear that the Canadians are feeding them well and that they have gained a few pounds since being over, so I don't feel so guilty :)  As you are walking in to Proctor and Gamble, right by the turnstiles we have 2 newspaper stands.  One for the Press-Citizen and one for the Gazette.  That Monday after Easter as I walked in to work, splashed on the front page was the headline "Iowa Soldier Killed in Afghanistan".  Immediately my heart sank. Not a great way to start the day.  I knew that it wasn't Jeromey.  I knew it wasn't anyone in Jeromey's unit.  I knew all this, but couldn't help but feel even more worried than usual.  I was in a horrible mood all day.  That afternoon after picking Austin up from school, we headed to Iowa City.  When I miss Jeromey more than usual, I get out of the house.  Being home without him just makes it worse.  I was an emotional wreck!  After a mini breakdown, we went to dinner.  Jeromey was online this whole time so we were chatting.  Still not ready to go home after dinner, Austin and I headed out to the mall.  Another breakdown before entering.  I was just really missing him, really emotional, and REALLY wanted/needed to hear his voice.  It had been over a week since I had heard his voice.  Their phone still wasn't working.  I was getting frustrated.  I think he could tell I was having a horrible day.  Finally he said he would try something and if it worked, he would be calling me.  Well it worked!  He wasn't able to talk long at all but I finally got to hear his voice.  I just kept saying "thank you so much for calling. I really needed to hear your voice!".  My emotions did a complete 180 immediately.  I couldn't stop smiling!  It carried into the next day even.  That is the funny thing about phone calls, just one is enough to get me through a couple of rough days.  This last week we have been chatting pretty regularly, so it has been a lot better than the last week.  I think it was last Tuesday he had finally received all three of the other boxes I had mailed to him, along with a box from his sister.  It made my day to know he finally got all the goodies I had sent!  I asked what his favorite thing was and he said "everything".  So I made him pick just one thing and he said the pictures.  His only complaint, I didn't send pictures of the dog!  This past weekend was another busy weekend, but a lot of fun. 
Last night I was sitting at home doing some stuff before bed.  Austin was already asleep and I was getting some things done before turning in myself.  I was getting ready to get in bed and decided to check my facebook (which I had just checked 20 minutes prior).  I was very surprised at seeing almost everybody had a status proclaiming that Osama Bin Laden was dead.  My initial reaction was disbelief.  After all this time, and all the talk of him hiding out in caves I really thought he would just die of old age before he was found.  Not because I didn't believe in the capability of our troops but because he seemed to be some sort of Hide and Seek champion :)  But seriously, I was most certainly not expecting to hear that news at that time. It came out of no where.  I think after the surprise wore off, I immediately began to feel dread.  What does his death mean?  Is his death going to rally his followers to retaliate?  What are the repercussions of this?  If Jeromey wasn't over in Afghanistan I am pretty sure that I wouldn't have been so quick to think of these things.  I think I would have just thought that finally they had found someone who had been elusive for so long.  Now, all I could think was how this would affect my husband and our family.  I was very glad that shortly after Jeromey got online.  I knew deep down he was not in immediate danger but after the news of Bin Laden's death I just really wanted to hear from him.  I am definitely worried that this will bring extra "action" over there.  I hope and pray that I am not right.  I will continue to hope that each day is just as "boring" as the day before for Jeromey and the rest of our troops.  I read on facebook somewhere that "the most important part of Obama's speech was 'No Americans were hurt during this mission' " and I couldn't agree more.  At the very least, no more lives were lost to capture the man at the top of the FBI's most wanted list.  I have seen a varied mix of emotions on facebook about what has happened.  I personally have my own opinions and thoughts, but will keep most of them to myself.  Everyone is so quick to judge others for what they are feeling or thinking or saying.  Some people aren't American for what the feel, some people are just stupid Americans with no concience for what they feel.  All I want to say is this, your feelings are YOURS.  Whatever they may be, whether they are shared by many or none.  You have a right to be happy, angry, sad, scared, excited, proud, any or all of the above.  It doesn't make you wrong, and just because someone isn't feeling the same, it doesnt' make them wrong either.  We all have different things that are important to us, and different life experiences that define us and will dictate how we react emotionally to a situation.  So if you read a status that states an opinion different from your own, remember that that opinion more likely than not does not directly affect you.  May God bless our troops and bring them home safe.  I pray for Him to watch over each and every soldier that is deployed and away from loved ones.