Waiting by the phone...

I remember when I was going to college and living at home, I never had a curfew but I had one rule.  I had to call by noon the next day or my mom would start looking for me.  By looking for me, she meant calling the police and hospitals to make sure I was okay.  This was back when not everyone carried cell phones; actually hardly anyone I knew really carried one.  Growing up with my mom who always assumed the worst when I didn’t answer my phone or call when I was supposed to, I knew that she wasn’t bluffing when she would begin making those phone calls at 12:01.  With this being said, I think I have inherited my mom’s paranoia and imagination for worst case scenario.  When Jeromey first arrived in Afghanistan I wasn’t expecting frequent phone calls or regular communication.  So when I went three days without hearing from him, I wasn’t panicking.  I was a little worried, and of course missing his voice, but I wasn’t EXPECTING a call.  For the last couple of weeks, Jeromey’s communication has been pretty steady.  He has even told me that his plan was to get in touch every other day.  I have described before how attached I am to my phone since he has been gone.  I carry it with me everywhere; I take a phone charger with me everywhere. Because God forbid my phone should die.  What if he tries calling?!?  I talked to Jeromey on Saturday.  He was feeling better, after having been sick the day before.  I was at a bridal shower for one of my friends I’ve known for what seems like forever!  I didn’t even hesitate when I saw it was him calling.  I got up and left the room.  My friends are used to this and lucky for me, very understanding.  Because it was so late for him, we were actually able to talk for quite a while.  I know he had said that communication was going in and out.   Jeromey should have called yesterday.  His calls usually come between 1-3pm our time which is 10:30-1:30am his time.  I started checking my phone around 1pm, so see if he had sent me a message or poked me on Facebook like he always does so I know he is online.  Nothing.  I had to be in to work at 2pm.  The last time I was on 2^nd shift, it seemed Jeromey would get online right at 2 when I was starting my shift.  I was expecting the same yesterday.  By 2:15 I was looking at my phone every few minutes.  By 3 pm I was staring at it.  My stomach felt as if I had a big lead ball sitting in it.  I keep telling myself my mantra which I learned from another wife. “No news is good news, no news is good news, no news is good news”.  Meaning if I am not hearing ANY news, then that is a good thing versus hearing bad news.  I text my friend Andrea last night and told her the situation and how I was feeling.  She assured me that everything was ok.  “His communication tower could be down, or he could have had to go on an impromptu mission”.  These were the same things I’d been telling myself.  They were only slightly more convincing coming from her.  It did help to hear her say that she knew the feeling.  I know if he could call or get online he would.  I also know that I need to just relax and no amount of worrying is going to make him available any sooner.  Deep down, I know he is ok.  He has to be.  I have just been ingrained with this sense of doom and fear that those I love the most are always in danger and if I don’t hear from them, it must mean something horrible has happened.  I am sure any of the mothers reading this know exactly what I’m talking about.  Today, I was so anxious for time to go by, thinking for sure that he would call or get online.  He would sheepishly apologize for not being able to get in touch yesterday and I would feel that sense of relief seeing his name come up on my phone.  It is now 4:30pm.  That makes it  around 2am Wednesday morning his time.  I am guessing that means no phone call today again.  That will make 3 days since I’ve talked to him. I think that is the longest we have gone so far.  I can’t explain the feeling of having your husband be somewhere, knowing he is in harms way, expecting a call from him, and it doesn’t come.  I am sure my mom can somewhat relate.  But I can’t call the police or local hospitals to make sure he is ok.  All I can do is sit and wait. And think.  And worry.  I’m not going to lie, I am pretty sick to my stomach right now.  I didn’t know if I was going to share this particular experience or not.  I don’t really talk to a lot of people about what I feel going through this sometimes.  Not because I don’t have amazing friends and family.  It is just hard to talk to someone about something when they have no idea what you are going through.  A couple of weeks back I was talking to a mother of a soldier who is also currently in Afghanistan.  He is a classmate of my sister’s.  It was nice to be able to talk to her about my worries and the different emotions we have gone through.  But I also realized, even our experiences were completely different.  Our emotions, although similar, are different.  It is hard to try and explain things to people.  You get sick of hearing “I can’t imagine what you are going through”.  You know the saying misery loves company?  You want someone who is just as miserable as you are to listen. Because they know what to say, or when not to say anything at all.  Just hearing “I know what you mean”, and knowing that “Hey, they really DO know what I mean” is a comfort in itself.  So for me, sharing this publicly without having to TALK to someone, or LISTEN to someone TRY and comfort me when they really can’t is a comfort.  Don’t get me wrong, to my friends and family that have been there for me during this.  You have made this experience so far bearable.  I am not diminishing your support in any way, or saying I don’t appreciate it.  I am not saying that you haven’t been able to make me feel better.  Because I could never thank you enough for just being there.  Please don’t stop asking how I am doing or asking questions.  Most of this is just frustration with this whole situation and sometimes it leaves me feeling so alone.  I am praying for Jeromey’s safety.  I am praying he is able to call or get online soon.  I am going crazy here.  Please God, fix whatever is keeping him from getting in touch.  About a month ago, he told me he sent me a letter.  My mailbox has been broke (until yesterday THANK YOU Ann for lending me your fiancé Shawn to fix that) for a while, so I have been picking up my mail about once a week at the post office.  I went this morning, sure that at the very least his letter would have arrived by now.  That wasn’t there either.  Now that my mailbox is fixed, I already picture myself walking down the driveway everyday, standing at the road waiting for cars to pass, walking over and opening the mailbox, and there is nothing in it.  My mood is definitely matching the weather today.  I am trying to keep my sanity.  On the inside I feel as if I am on the verge of becoming hysterical.  I did see from another wife that her husband does not have phone or internet access for a while.  I’m sure that is the same case for Jeromey and I will just have to wait.  Not patiently, but I will wait.  Keep Jeromey and his unit in your prayers.  Oh, I almost forgot, he did think they were going to be getting moved within the next couple of weeks so he has told us not to send anymore packages until he gets his next address.  I will be sure to let you know if I hear from him!